Just another dirty little girl's Journal

10:51pm: Stars over Texas
As you lie in my arms
GirlBoy my hearts on my sleeve
Words come so hard, in moments like these
theres feelings I have, that are so hard to show
But right now theres one thing
I want you to know


As long as the tides ebb
The earth turns the sun sets
I promise I'll always be true
And as long as theres Stars over Texas
Darling I'll hang the moon for you


I know I have stumbled and caused you some tears
When you needed me most I haven't always been there
I know I'm not always the man girl I should be
But don't ever wonder what you mean to me


And as long as theres stars over Texas
Darling I'll hang the moon for you
Darling I'll hang the moon for you

10:25pm: what the fuck is wrong with me?!
Yeah, so I've come to the conclusion that all of that shit over Taylor is for nothing. He doesn't want me. I know it. It's obvious. Even if he did, I'd still think about Cody. I'm so fucked up. I realize Adam never really meant that much to me. We both knew that. I was infatuated with Taylor, but I know it would never work.

im so fucking lost.

10:23pm: Dear Cody,
Cody,
I saw you last night and so many things went through me. I was numb, and Donna caught the tear that ran down my naked face not two minutes after we pulled up. I saw you look at me and look away. I could only wish to know what was going through your head. Though I wish to know it, I also wish I could sort through everything that was going through mine. For the first time since October, we were the only ones in the world. I saw me sitting on your lap, your arms around me, both smiling and laughing with everyone. What a beautiful dream that didn't last long enough. Do they ever? I wanted to call you over and tell you so many things. How I'm sorry about being a bitch. About how I treated you and expected so much out of you, with hardly anything in return. How I acted like you looking at porn was the worst thing in the world. How I expected you to be up here everynight, forgetting you had friends. How the gas in your truck was nothing to me. How I told you everytime you willingly bought me something that I thought you were buying my love. How I was so scared to go to your house, but expected you to come here every day. How I wanted you to hold me just right, and if you didn't, I didn't think you loved me. How I didn't mind if you smoked, it just gave me a headache when you did it in the truck. There are also so many other things I want you to look at in my view. How I didn't want you spending so much on me because I never had enough money to buy you anything. When you gave me that $108 stuffed monkey and it was just our one month, I was so much happier than I showed. I just felt bad you paid that much. Now that I am where you were 4 years ago, I look up to you like never before. You watched me, watched out for me, watched over me for 3 years. You knew sitting in Mrs. Trotters class I would be yours one day, and you weren't going to give up. 3 years later, 1000 tears and 8 kisses later, I was yours. Every since then, you have done nothing but grow in my eyes. If you only knew how often I think of you. I once even cried in another boys arms. He knew, and asked what was wrong. I told him I was crying because he made me so happy, but it was really because I ached for those to be your arms. I ached for that to be your kiss, your breaths and your smile. It wasn't, and that killed me. I cried. I missed you. Want to know something else? I still cry because I miss you. 8 months later, too many arguments and ignored e-mails later, I still miss you. You think I've changed so much because I cut my hair, I don't wear Wranglers as much, and I don't smile as much. These are outward, and only one is reflected from inside. I miss you. I have no reason to smile. I don't see you. I don't hear you. I don't smell you. I don't feel you. I don't live without you. I walk around, seeing you everywhere, but with me. There is so much more I want to say, but I can't get it out. I can't fathom it all. I know one thing for a fact though. No matter how far apart, how many arguments we get in, how many times you tell me you don't want to talk, I will never look at you any less. You are still beautiful. You are still strong. You are still the love of my life, and this will never fade. Just thinking how exactly this time last year, we were inseperable. We were in love, and no one would or could come between that. We were best friends for 2 years, dated for 7 months, gave ourselves to each other, told each other everything, and now this. I can't fucking fathom it. How you're out there trying to go out with all of these girls, who it's obvious don't like you, and if they did, all they would use you for is your money, truck, and heart. You want them, when you have a girl here who would give her life for you. Who would stand up to anyone for you. Who would prove anything and everything to you just to prove her love. Who knows you and loves you for you. You say you 'fell out of love', but were you really ever in love? Could you trust and go after someone for 3 years, spend almost every waking minute you could with them, then say you fell out? I'm still here. Waiting. For what though? I wish I knew what you thought about me. How you see me. I wish I still knew I was in your life, and was the only one you wanted. If there is anything anyone should know though, I think you should know I still love you, and only you. I am sorry for putting you through everything I did. It's only been 8 months, but I have realized so much. I have grown. They say you don't know what you have until you lose it. I say that's bullshit because I knew what I had all along, but I was too much of a bitch to think I could lose it. Some say you don't deserve to know all of this. Rather you do or not, It's here. You'll never read this, but it's my heart. I still give it to you, and once again, it will go unrecognised. Oh yeah, and Cody, I love you 'hunny.'

(ok, that sucked).

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9:11pm: not of interest.
I stayed at Donna's last night, which was a nice change. I always enjoy going over there. Her parents are so cool, and I don't know, just hanging out with her makes me happy. She just got a new system put in her truck, so we drove around 'Kang' (King, but it's the town of rednecks, so everyone says it like 'kang') and stopped by and talked to the 'rednecks'. These are a bunch of well, rednecks, in which used to be my closest friends. Among them, was Cody. He looked at me a few times (I stayed in Donna's truck). He looked so beautiful. I saw him sitting in the back of someone's truck when we pulled up, then I saw some girls over there laying on someone, and it pissed me off. I started cussing, telling Donna they better not be on him. I looked, and he was in his truck just looking around. He got quiet and asked some people to go ride around.

We then rode around a little more and went back to her house. I laid in the floor and we talked about Taylor and some other people. Got out the yearbook and looked up all these girls we think are bitches (which was a lot) and just talked. Around 2:30 we finally went to sleep. Got up this morning, and went to church. First time I have been in about 4 months, and let me tell you, that shit scared me. It was one of those 'Holy Roller' churches, where they talk in tongues. Needless to say I was ready to go the minute we walked in, but I can say it's better than 'my' church, where we just sit and stare.

We saw this dog, small, about the size of a cat, and the poor thing had a tail growing from between his eyes. I am not shitting you. It was about 2 inches long and he could wag it! Donna said it was probably a simese twin and the other one didn't develope, but I think it was incest. The thing was so adorable. I'm going to go back and take pictures. Anyways, we went to the flea market and I got 2 pairs of sunglasses, trying to be cool. Went to Applebee's and ate, and came home.

Hrm, I just got an idea, but I'm too tired to go through with it. Maybe later. Maybe.

Wow, my writing sucks today.

8:57pm: ..and the thunder rolls.
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These are pictures I took last night after the storm. FTP was down so I am just getting to post them...but they are unedited.

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and this is me trying to be cool in my new sun glasses. shut up and let me try.


---now, for a real update....

8:53pm: nifty
I think it's so nifty how when lj e-mails me w/a response, I can comment right there in the e-mail and click 'send.' Does everyone else get to do this, or am I just special?

7:39pm: I'm so tired. I've slept most of the day though, which is probably why. Oh well.

I'm driving myself crazy. We don't even "talk" like that, and I already feel guilty looking at other guys. I had a dream about him, but it was cloudy, and I'd rather not post about it here. I was thinking yesterday about Cody. How he waited for me, on me, with me, for 3 years to go out with him. He wouldn't even look at another girl. I'm there now, and after just a week, I'm getting pissed, irritable, curious. I now have even more respect for Cody than before. Anymore and I'm going to explode. I was also thinking about him in the aspect as to how he won't talk to me. If I were him, I don't know if I would want to talk to me either. I was such a bitch to him, and even after we broke up. It hurts so much, and I would explain it all, but he's already told me he doesn't want to talk to me, so I'm going to leave it alone.

I'm sitting here, watching the clock. He gets off at 8. Goddamnit, I thought it was 7. Wtf was I thinking? And here I am online waiting for him. God, this shit is getting to me, and I shouldn't let it, but it does. I don't even want to look at another guy. I know what I want, and until something is shown, I am willing to wait. He is supposed to come over sometime and ride 4-wheelers since we didn't get to the last time.

I'm going to shut up. I have shrimp on the way. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I'm beautiful inside, I'm everything he wants and is willing to give me a chance. I want to feel his hands on mine. To know a few of those songs he sings are about me. To see those blue eyes look into mine and be blown away. To have a drawing he did of me on his wall.

-sighs and wonders off to eat shrimp-


i wonder if he likes shrimp
-smacks self-

4:08pm: :\
My hair didn't come out like I wanted it to. The tips should be a darker/brighter blue.

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2:24pm: ...sitting....waiting for dye to set in.

Me:-looking through books at the book store, picks up one that has a picture of Rosie O'Donnal (sp) on the front-

Kathleen:-Oh god, a book by a lesbain. If you want that thing you'll have to find another ride home.
:\


I'm going to sell my prom dress. Anyone want to buy? I am debating on having a personal auction (oh yes, I have a homecoming dress I've never worn also) or just selling them straight out. I will put pics up later of them, but would anyone be interested? I need money :\ The prom dress has only been worn once, and the homecoming one never. The prom is size 3, homecoming a Medium.

8:02pm: Damn this head and stomach ache. What's wrong with me?

7:56pm: I hate school. I love Barnes and Nobles. I love friends. I hate infatuation. I love my clean room. I hate it took so long to get it this way. I love her. I hate him. I love him. I hate her. I want -insert name here-.


I went and took my test this morning, which went over well. I didn't get much sleep last night, since Kathleen called at 11 and wanted to go to Wal-Marts. We did, and I bought all kinds of pretty eyeshadow. It made me feel like a princess I know I'll never be. We went back out today to Barnes and Noble and other small places. I bought Jewels 'a night without armor', Sylvia Plath's pocket poem book and Janet Fitch's 'White Olander.' Has anyone ever read that? It is a very lovely book so far. Who could resist a book about a lost teen in foster homes in hardback and on sale for $5.95? The cover is pretty too.

This morning I was asking my mom if she still had any of her shirts left from when she was younger. She let me go in the attic and look, and though I didn't find any, I did find the prettiest pair of brown maryjanes with 2 straps and the little holes on the top. Oh, how beautiful, but the sole was coming off :\ I am thinking about getting them repaired because they look too lonely up there. Something about all of that faded white lace and leather shoes and belts made me want to lay down in the floor, look up at the wooden rafters and daydream about a road trip.
(damn the spiders and insulation)

I will take that road trip! I will, and no one will stop me! See me ride off with my frilly lace and faded smile, and if you listen closely enough, you may be able to hear the sound of my newly soled mary-janes tapping on the gas pedal over the radio. Now, the only problem? Zepplin, Def Leppard, or Skynyrd?

10:42am: and your mama was right when she said I'd never grow up.
I'm such a dork. This is my old baby dress.
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( babydoll )

1:43am: baby, it's past your bedtime
there's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right.

Made over my doll. Comments go in guestbook.

kthnxbye

10:31pm: for some reason I'm crying. I feel like I'm going un-noticed.

fuck me.

10:26pm: The school called this morning and told my dad if I come in at 8am and take my exams (that I skipped) that I would get my credits. I hope they mean all of them, so I don't have to go back next year. So I will be 'graduated.' It will make me a bit angry, b/c I didn't get to walk with my class, but I am going to fight this. I want all of my goddamn credits. I earned them, and just b/c of the days I missed, (that were, mind you, excused) I can't graduate? Oh, fuck you school system. So yeah, at 8:00am I will be sitting in class, which has been empty for a week now. I have a feeling Cody is going to be there also. Oh god, I don't know how that will go.

I went to the mall for a bit today. Daddy gave me $50 to get acne meds, but I only spent $13, so I went to Gadzooks. Got a shirt, which is in the most recently posted pictures. The guy in there would not let me go! He kept asking me why I wasn't going to try it on, what school I went to, if I work, why I don't, telling me to take his job for the rest of the day, asking why I'm not at the beach, where my friends were...bla bla bla. He was decent looking, but he scared me :\

I feel lost. I want to clean, but there is nothing to clean.

-stares at buddy list and sighs-
even seeing your name makes me happy.


oh yeah, does anyone know what happened to Kalen at heartsugar.net or whatever? Did she ever come back? Just wondering...

9:47pm: Cody...
I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
Oh but baby most of all
I miss my friend


The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend


I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-greenbrown eyes
And I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now

Saying it'll be alright
I miss my friend


The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss our silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend


The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say
To make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

6:53pm: I dream of being your pretty vintage doll
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( more? )

11:53am: LAYOUT BLOCKS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!
!!!
!!
!

11:06am: That last quiz sucked, so I made another one. See if you know me well enough to stalk, y0.

3:16am: I can't sleep. Here it is going on 3:15 and I can't get my mind off him. Whoever said 'infautation is a curse' sure as hell knew what they were talking about. For once, I am the one crying b/c I know there is something so great I may never have.

I think this is part of the reason it is bothering me. I have always been the one to wait, and let them come to me. I've never been the one to seek. To go after someone who wasn't interested. It's my time now, and I don't know what to do. It's almost like I expect it just to happen. The days get longer waiting, and finding out nothing. What may be the truth scares me more than anything, and I can't fathom my next steps. My mind is clouded with words, lines, comments, questions, moans, screams, looks, and thoughts by and of him. That beautiful mind. Whoever else says the eyes are the window to the soul never lied either. I can see straight through, while at the same time it seems like a stained glass. So beautiful, but from the light coming from within, b/c from outside, it's still too dark. Reflections of thoughts and images he has. None too disturbing, but some too great for me.

This is beauty. This is perfection. This is the truth, and this hurts like hell. The "what-if's" and the "well, he did..'s" are coming more often. The reality has yet to show, and I'm still to scared to ask. Not because I'm scared of what the answer may be, but because I'm scared of scaring him. He already knows enough to go on. He knows how I feel. Some of it. Enough of it.

"I saw those pretty eyes a shining and I knew there had to be something behind them. As bright as day I saw the truth, I saw the beauty from within you. I saw the hurt, I saw the pain. I saw the trust that had to be regained. I saw the love, I saw the fright, and most of all I saw the might. The strength you had to carry on, the pride you had to call it your own. You'll never know what all I see, when in your eyes I take a peek."

2:42am: Dear Lord...
Just wrote another one here.

2:26am: I'm not an addict
I'm not an addict
of your beauty
I'm not obsessed
with your mind
I'm not an addict
of your being
I'm not worried with what I'll find.

So fucking beautiful
You'll never know it all
So perfectly positioned
That mind of yours, that's all
Goddamn boy, you're killing me
I'm not an addict to your reality
Just let me show you it's all so real
let me show you how love can feel

I'm not an addict
of your words
I'm not obsessed
with your dreams
I'm not an addict
of your heart
I'm not worried with what fate brings

So fucking beautiful
you'll never know it all
So perfectly positioned
So high above them all
That heart of yours, that's all
Goddamn angel, you're killing me
I'm not an addict to your reality
Just let me show you it's all so real
let me show you how all this feels

to be an addict of one
almost like a god
to be an addict of you
so perfectly flawed
to be an addict of what
i'll never have of my own
to be an addict oh lord
let it be shown.

11:47pm: follow me.

9:02pm: Matchbox 20 never sounded so good.

8:10pm: G N Rawker:i see you didn't correct my typos in lj, "hey stacey your friend's funny, but he needs to go back to 5th grade"
girl with pistol: oh..its ok..lol. they know Im stupid, so they expect the same from my friends.
G N Rawker: hahaha
G N Rawker: i don't know if i should be pleased with that answer
G N Rawker: ill just ignore it
G N Rawker: goes to get some serial